My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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