Four minutes until I can fart!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Randomize
