I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Randomize
