My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
