Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
kristin has been a bad kristin
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
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I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
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It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy