nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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