Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
