No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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