I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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