boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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