My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
