Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
