You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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