god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
