I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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