I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I haven't been this sober since birth.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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