I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
