Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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