I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
