She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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