the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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