My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
