i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
