where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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