u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
