someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well I just put wine in my tea
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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