My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
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You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
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I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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