I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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