My sheets look like a crime scene.
even my farts smell like vagina
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
