I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
