So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
