we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
