Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
