Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
