Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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