Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
