What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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