So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
