he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
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I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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