when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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