1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
