Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
