i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
