Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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