You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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