this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
