I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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