Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
