Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
