If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
