There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
