Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
