You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
