After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just forgot I was standing up.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
