Christians are straight up FREAKS
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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