Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
