I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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